Letter to Simon Cowell

Dear Mr Cowell,

Having greatly enjoyed watching your television appearances on both sides of the Atlantic in the past few years with "Pop Idol" and "American Idol" I would like to offer you an exclusive deal on an up-and-coming TV show which is along the same lines.

The increased materialism in our society - as typified by the popularity of glorified karaoke contests with obscene prize monies - is a concern to every practicing Christian. We are taught that the love of money is the root of all evil, and that to give is more blessed than to receive. This message does not seem to be reaching those who need it most, however: the TV-watching public. Mugs that they are, they'll watch anything billed as "reality TV"; and what could be more real than a head-to-head competition of most people's favourite pastimes?

I would like to present "False Idol".

The purpose of this TV show is to discover the real view of the man on the Clapham Omnibus (you may remember from when you lived in Britain that many of us use public transport to get around). Would that man rather be driving around Clapham in a ludicrous 4x4? Would he prefer, perhaps, to watch a football match every week? Could he do without his new iPod while he's at the gym? Or are his interests more down-at-hand, if you know what I mean?

Human societies have developed so many ways to occupy their citizens in ultimately meaningless pursuits. Let's find out which one they really couldn't do without, and which are just a small convenience.

Similar to "Pop Idol", the series will start with a group of contestants: TV, gadgets, sport, sex, money, cars and status. Every week there will be a presentation from an advocate for each contestant, but at the end of the show one will be going home empty-handed. The viewer votes by phone to decide which idol is a 90ft gold statue, and which is a chocolate teapot.

Week by week, the list of idols will be reduced until the grand finale, when a battle for hearts and minds will consume the nation in a passion of idolatry. Which will it be?

The winner of the series will be crowned with a crown that will perish, spoil and fade: FALSE IDOL! The records of everyone who voted will at this time be analysed, and to those who voted for the winning idol, an invitation will be issued to worship it more in the coming year.

Thank you for your time. I look forward to your swift reply, and anticipate a fruitful relationship in producing this televisual marvel.

Yours faithlessly

Chris Hillcoat